


Rockstar!

by trbl



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: AU, F/M, Female Bilbo, Human Smaug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-01-05 22:25:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1099291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trbl/pseuds/trbl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Response to a prompt by Alkjira for a Rockstar AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alkjira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/gifts).



> Authors notes:
> 
> A bit of housekeeping:
> 
> This is in response to a prompt by Alkjira for a Rockstar AU. I've taken a few liberties with the original prompt. Apologies.
> 
> I "see" Sarah Parish as Dis, and Haley Atwell as Bella (Bilbo), not sure if that helps you or not.
> 
> "Erebor" is the unholy offspring of Bon Jovi and Aerosmith. Yeah, I know. Welcome to my brain. I wasn't even going to write "Hobbit" fanfic, then I read the prompt and this … happened. *sigh* 
> 
> Also, if you recognize them, they do not belong to me.

1991

The men were huddled together for warmth, sitting on the hard, cold ground in Yugoslavia. They were done for the day, unless there was an attack. That being the case, they did what they normally did: make up songs. Some were silly, some were bawdy, but a lot of them were really good.

The leader of their small unit was Thorin Durin. He was young, barely in his twenties, but a natural leader. Balin and Dwalin Fundin, who were brothers, were his right and left hands. Dwalin was Thorin's age, but Balin was closer to thirty. The others were the medic, Oin Groinson; the scrounger, Nori Rison; and the mechanic, Bifur Urson. All three were also Thorin's age. Most units would not have had brothers serving in the same unit, but theirs was a special unit, handpicked for their ability to take down forces much larger than their own.

They jokingly talked about starting a band when they got out of Her Majesty's Royal Marines, but only Balin took it seriously. He was a clever one, and an excellent planner. Such a good planner was he, in fact, that they all gave him part of their pay to invest for them, although, many had younger siblings to whom they sent money. Due to his efforts, they each had a tidy nest egg awaiting them for when they were demobilized.

So, it really shouldn't have come as such a surprise to the lads that Balin had everything all set up when they were de-mobbed. He had them booked onto a talent show a month after they got home. He organized a space for them to practice and rehearse. He had written down some of the better songs that they had come up with, and he and Thorin sat down to put the tunes to music.

Once they had fifteen good ones, the lads learned to play them. Thorin was the lead singer and guitar player. Dwalin was backup singer and played axe, Bifur played keyboards, Oin played trumpet, Oin's little brother Gloin played drums, Nori played saxophone, Bifur's young cousins Bofur and Bombur sang backup and played special instruments, such as a flute or oboe if needed. Nori's older brother Dori took responsibility for making sure they all had plenty of food to eat, and Balin was, of course, the band manager. Nori and Dori had a younger brother, Ori, who they brought with them as he was too young to leave behind, and their parents were dead. The often fussy Dori homeschooled Ori, who had a quick mind.

After much debate, they agreed to call themselves after the small, mountainous mining town they had all hailed from. And thus "Erebor" was born. They were surprised to win the talent contest, and even more surprised to learn that the next level of the contest would take them to Los Angeles. Thorin was just as glad to being going. His little sister, Dis, had met an airline pilot, and the two had eloped. Willie was based out of LAX and Dis had moved over to be with her new husband.

L.A. was a bit of a shock to them. The contest-runners flew them over, and put them up in a nice hotel. Once they were in the studio to get their bearings and meet some of the other contestants, they realized just how different L.A. was to England. They met all sorts of people who were supposed to "help" them with the contest. Publicists, managers, dressers, hairstylists and so on. The only one they liked was the small woman who was a dresser. Belladonna Took was sassy, and quick-witted.

Belladonna was the one who steered them away from some of the more outlandish costumes, convincing them that they didn't need to hide behind crazy costumes. "You're a handsome bunch of lads, and you have good voices. You don't want to distract audiences from that. You have no need to gild the lily, as it were."

Thorin returned after visiting with his sister. "I'm going to be an uncle!" He announced. His excitement was contagious, and when they performed for the judges that night, their collective energy was high, and they gave their best performance yet. They advanced to the next level, and asked Belladonna for some tips.

With her guidance and their own talent they won the entire contest and were signed to a one-year record contract. Despite the fact that they hated the record exec, Thranduil with a fiery passion (he was arrogant, dismissive, never listened and insisted on controlling every aspect of the process), they made the most of their time. They cut several records, which did very well, and built a respectable name for themselves.

When Thorin decided to stop shaving and cutting his hair after so many years of doing both at her Majesty's order, the others followed suit. It amused Belladonna that they seemed to get more popular the longer Thorin's hair grew. After an embarrassing incident with his beard and guitar strings that no one was allowed to mention, Thorin decided to keep his beard close cropped.

Thranduil sent them on short tours, (Thorin thought viciously to himself that he was keeping them on a short leash). They were on one such tour the night Thorin became an uncle for the first time. At the end of the show Thorin spoke. "I would like to dedicate this last song, by the amazing John Lennon to my brand new nephew, Fili, thriving along with his mother in Los Angeles." And with tears in his eyes, Thorin launched into song.

"Close your eyes  
Have no fear  
The monster's gone  
He's on the run and your uncle's here

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful  
Beautiful boy  
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful  
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep  
Say a little prayer  
Every day in every way  
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful  
Beautiful boy  
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful  
Beautiful boy

Out on the ocean sailing away  
I can hardly wait to see you come of age  
But I guess, we'll both just have to be patient  
'Cause it's a long way to go, a hard row to hoe  
Yes, it's a long way to go but in the meantime

Before you cross the street  
Take my hand  
Life is what happens to you  
While you're busy making other plans

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful  
Beautiful boy  
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful  
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep  
Say a little prayer  
Every day in every way  
It's getting better and better

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful  
Beautiful boy  
Darling, darling, darling  
Darling Fili"

There was not a dry eye in the house by the time Thorin finished. He sniffed and spoke, "Again, John Lennon's wonderful song. Thank you all."

Nevertheless, despite such moments, they were biding their time until their contract was up. Belladonna knew another record producer, with a much more laid back way of doing things. Thranduil, in his arrogance hadn't considered that they might not sign to a new, longer, contract.

The record producer for Brown label, Radagast, was the mellowest man any of them had ever met. Belladonna, with a smirk, told them he was an "amateur botanist". It didn't take them long to work out what that meant. Marijuana.

While Thorin would probably never indulge himself, reluctant to lose that much control, he didn't care what Radagast did. And it certainly made the man easy to work with. He wasn't a pushover by any means, but he was always willing to at least listen and discuss. Thorin usually left him to Balin to deal with, as Thorin sometimes grew a little frustrated with the man's digressions and everyone knew Balin had the patience to a saint.

Another suggestion of Belladonna's was the addition of special effects to their show. She said that she knew one of the best F/X guy in the business, and that if she asked, he'd probably agree to tour with them.

Thorin did some subtle asking around, and discovered that Belladonna had *undersold* Gandalf. Grey's F/X was The Best. Gandalf himself was a bit eccentric, but there was no doubt as to his skill.

The all agreed to tour for a year. One year turned into five, and they toured almost constantly, whenever they weren't in a studio making records. Thorin's sister Dis, Fili in tow, toured with them whenever her husband was going to be away a lot, as did Belladonna Took, even after she married Bungo Baggins, one of the more down-to-earth roadies. 

When Dis had her second baby, Thorin called their brother Frerin. He was working as an intern with an independent film crew shooting nature programs. "We're uncles, again, little brother. Another little boy, Dis named him Kili."

"Wow, that's great. Give Dis my love, will ya'?"

"Of course, brother, of course I will." Thorin paused. "How are things going for you? Still loving living in the wild?"

"It's wonderful, big brother, I love it. How's it going for you?"

"Good, we're having a lot of fun. Lots of knickers getting thrown on stage. Bofur goes home with a different girl after almost every show."

"And you, Thorin?" Frerin asked slyly, knowing his brother's need for more than casual sex. He preferred a relationship, but would indulge occasionally, when he was called out as being too grumpy to stand. 

"It's like the song goes, yeah? The road is no place for a relationship."

"Your friend Belladonna seems to make it work, according to your letters, anyway."

"Except she's going to have a baby of her own, and I can't imagine her subjecting her child to this lifestyle. You, Dis and I are used to it, been traveling one way or another since we were kids, and we lost Mum and Dad, but… not everyone is cut out for this life. I expect we'll lose her and Bungo before too long."

In this belief, Thorin had never been so wrong. Not only did Belladonna and Bungo stay with the band, but little Bella, named for her mother, toured with them as well.

Of course the boys were fascinated by little Bella, and the now 13-year old Ori was an able minder for the three whilst the others were otherwise occupied.

It was a blow to all when Willie's plane was forced down by hijackers, when he wouldn't take the plane where they wanted. Sadly, while many survived, Willie didn't. He was touted a hero, which didn't really make Dis feel any better, but at least it was something she could tell her sons when they were old enough to understand it. Thorin took his new position as male role model for the boys very seriously, and neither boy would ever hesitate to go to uncle with a problem, whether it was a nightmare, or a skinned knee.

The second Christmas of the tour, when they were "home" in L.A., Thorin locked himself in Dis' garage. When he came up for air two weeks later, he had made himself a guitar. It was a thing of beauty, and he christened it Orcrist for no reason that the others could discern. He had also made a tiny fiddle for the now 3-year old Fili and a wee guitar for the barely toddling Kili. While Dis scolded him for giving them gifts far too old for them, the boys were delighted and aped their elders relentlessly.

At year four of the tour, Gloin shocked them all by marrying a model, and about the time they announced that they were expecting a baby, the contract with Brown Labels was almost up, and they all agreed that they were about ready to try something else. They had been giving Balin and Dis a large part of whatever money they made, and with the clever investments the two had made, they all had more than enough to do whatever they wanted.

Thorin settled in L.A. very near to Dis and the boys and opened a musical instrument shop. Dwalin joined him, as did Bifur, who specialized in making instruments for children. Whereas Dwalin preferred to do the repair work.

Bofur collected and restored juke boxes, and made a decent living at it. Dori and Bombur started a catering company, which was very successful. Bombur got married and he and his wife had a houseful of children. Oin went to medical school, and became a doctor. No one was really sure what Nori did, but he always seemed to have money. Gloin started a security company, and he and his wife had a little boy. Balin continue to invest, and even did so on the NYSE, to great success. Ori, Fili and Kili continued to grow up and eventually went to university.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Business had been doing pretty well for the small musical instrument shop that Thorin, Dwalin and Bifur owned. They sold hand crafted guitars, and other instruments as they were ordered. Bifur enjoyed making smaller instruments, such as the ones that Thorin had made for his nephews so long ago. Bifur had been wounded in the Persian Gulf, and due to the resulting head injury, he was slow to speak, and sometimes got a little confused. This in no way inhibited his ability to make tiny and intricate instruments. It did make for a quiet workshop, though, as neither Thorin or Dwalin were exactly chatty.

Since they had branched out to repairing rare musical instruments, Dwalin had enjoyed the challenges that often arose. However, the most challenging thing he had ever faced was in front of him now. A wee, septuagenarian lady, offering him tea in the tiniest, daintiest teacup ever known to man. She wanted to show her appreciation for the beautiful repair work that he had done on her antique harpsichord.

Dwalin delicately took the cup and saucer in his large paw, scared that he would accidently crush the cup in his grip, and used only the tips of his thumb and forefinger to bring the cup to his mouth for a sip. “Oh,” he said in surprise at the first taste. “That’s right lovely, that is.”

Sweet Mrs. Turner blushed. “Oh, Mr. Dwalin, you needn’t….”

“Well, I do if it’s true, and it is, Ms. Turner. It’s absolutely lovely.”

Which is how Dwalin came to have a weekly date to drink tea with a lonely old lady. When she asked if he had a wife, he hesitated. He had been seeing Dis, secretly, for years. He wasn’t sure what Thorin would say about it, and didn’t want to risk their friendship. “Involved, Ms. Turner.”

“Oh, what a pity. My grand-daughter, Christina, such a pretty girl, but single.”

As it turned out, her grand-daughter, a 35-year old stock broker, was much more Balin’s type anyway. They were both clever and enjoyed many of the same things and Dwalin had no reluctance about introducing them. As he predicted, they hit it off.

Bofur was also enjoying his chosen profession. There were still enough jukeboxes out there to keep him steadily busy. Sometimes he would find a rare one, and try to deal for it, but mostly he repaired and maintained them for other collectors.

Bombur and Dori had a small and select clientele that they catered to. Oin was a partner at a Doctor’s practice, which was quite lucrative. No one was certain what Nori did (still), but his flat was always full of odds and ends that were gone the next time one visited. And Gloin’s security company consulted for some major companies. Ori helped out whenever needed, for whichever of the lads that might ask him, but still hadn’t quite figured out what he wanted to do. Balin had settled into a nice relationship with Mrs. Turner’s grand-daughter Christina, and was doing very well financially.

Fili and Kili worked at their uncle’s shop and were waiting for Kili to finish getting his college degree, and then the two of them were going to go and do *something*. They hadn’t quite decided on what that something was going to be, but their feet were itching to hit the road. They had been subtly (okay, not-to-subtly) hinting to their Uncle Thorin that “Erebor” should go on a farewell tour, and let them take the reins at the end of it.

Unbeknownst to them, Dis had asked Thorin if he would consider it. “Those boys are dying to cut loose, Thorin. I’d feel so much better if you and the lads were there to keep an eye on them. Will you think about it, big brother?”

“Of course I will, Dis. You should know, I had a similar conversation with Dori, same concerns about young Ori. Maybe it’s time. Time for the next generation to take over.”

Thorin quietly talked with the others at their monthly get-together. They would usually gather at someone’s house, often Dis’, and eat, tell stories, and often get out the old instruments and play. There was surprisingly little resistance to the idea of a tour. Although, there were a few issues to consider, first.

A few weeks after this discussion, Thorin was tuning the guitar he had just finished, when the shop bell rang. He set the guitar aside and went to see who had come in. He stared in surprise at the tall gray-haired man. “Gandalf?” He asked.

“Thorin Durin, good to see you,” Gandalf said as he offered his hand.

Thorin took it, shaking his head in amazement. “I haven’t seen you in, what, 5 years?”

“Nearer seven. Belladonna and Bungo’s funeral.”

Thorin’s face tightened at the memory. Belladonna had been suddenly taken with inoperable cancer, and had died quite unexpectedly, and Bungo had had a heart attack standing next to his beloved Belladonna’s cooling form. He had not recovered and their 14-year old daughter, Bella, had lost both her parents on the same awful night. Thorin had arranged for Bella to stay in the boarding school that Belladonna and Bungo had sent her to. And later, when she’d gone to Parson’s school of design in New York City, he’d paid for that, too.

He hadn’t wanted young Bella to have to use whatever money her parents had left her to finish school. Dis and Gandalf had seen to it all. Bella had written him letters, thanking him and letting him know what was going on in her life, but he hadn’t seen her since the service.

“Of course,” Thorin said finally. “What brings you here?”

“There’s a rumor that you’re considering a reunion tour.”

Thorin blinked. “Where did you…how could you know that? The boys, my nephews and Ori Rison, have been begging for us to tour, so they can take over. But, we’ve only talked about it amongst ourselves.”

Gandalf looked innocent. Well, he tried to, without, it must be said, much success. “One hears things. So it is true? You’re considering it.”

Thorin sighed. “Not seriously. It’s money we don’t really need to be spending. And many of the lads have families they don’t want to leave.”

“Well, I can’t help with the second issue, but Grey’s F/X would be willing to sponsor the tour.”

Thorin couldn’t hide his surprise. “You would?”

“Yes. With a few… caveats.”

Thorin, familiar with Gandalf, felt his interest wane. “Ah. Well, we’re not seriously….”

Gandalf interrupted. “Nothing too onerous, Thorin. First, I do the effects. I have a dragon whizbang that will amaze you.”

Thorin was surprised; he had expected something much worse. “Well, you would have been our first choice, anyway, Gandalf,” he said honestly.

Gandalf smiled modestly. “Thank you. Secondly, I set up the touring schedule.”

Thorin liked that much less. 

“You’ll have final approval, of course.” Gandalf offered at Thorin’s hesitation.

“All right. What else?” Thorin knew Gandalf was saving the least palatable for last.

“I choose the dresser. And that is non-negotiable.”

“Ah. No thank you, Gandalf.”

“Don’t you even want to know who it is?”

“Not really.” But it was a lie, and they both knew it.

“Bella Baggins. She finished at Parson’s and is looking to make her mark, much as your lads are.”

Thorin, filled a sense of obligation to Belladonna Took’s daughter, hesitated. Belladonna’s guidance had helped shape the band back in the beginning. And she spent more time with them, than being with her family. He gave long-suffering sigh. “Is she at least any good?”

“First in her class, Thorin. Would I lead you astray?”

Thorin eyed him seriously. “If it would amuse you? Yes, absolutely.”

Gandalf snorted a laugh, unable to argue with that. “I’ll bring her by tomorrow, then, shall I?”

“As you will, Gandalf.”

**

The last time Thorin had seen Bella had been at her parents’ funeral. He remembered Bella, dark eyes, long coltish limbs, and the promise of beauty in her too pale face. Looking at her now, he could still see the girl she had been, but she had more than fulfilled the promise.

“Hello, Thorin,” she said as she held out her hand, her voice a warm contralto. “You’re looking well.” 

“Thank you, Bella, as are you.” He paused as a thought occurred to him. “You still go by Bella, yeah?”

Her smile lit her dark eyes. “I do, indeed. How thoughtful of you to ask.”

He could feel the heat starting on the back of his neck as he noted the upturn of her ruby-red lips. This was bad. She was younger even than his nephews, and he was a pervy old man. His nephews. Shit. “I would like to apologize in advance for the boys.”

She shot him a puzzled frown. “Whatever do you mean?”

“Bella, you’ve grown quite…,” his gaze took in her curvy body, gently curling dark hair, and perfect porcelain complexion and he sighed. “Quite lovely, and the boys, well, they aren’t particularly sensible where beautiful girls are concerned.”

Her cheeks turned pink, but her smile dazzled him. “I’ll try to remember that, Thorin.”

“Yes, please do,” was all he managed to say before the self-same boys came tumbling into the shop.

“Uncle Tho…,” Fili’s words trailed off. “Well, hello, love. I’m Fili, and this is Kili. At your service.” They each bowed to her as they eyed her up.

“Yes,” she said with a smirk. “I remember you both quite well.”

“Do we know you?” Kili asked, trying to place her, certain that he would have remembered such a beauty.

“Bella Baggins. Or, as you were wont to call me…Billa Boggins. Belladonna Took was my mother.”

The lads’ eyes went comically wide. “Oh.” Kili said. “Well,” and here he smirked. “My, haven’t you grown up?” His eyes raked her body.

“Sadly, I cannot return the compliment.” She said, unimpressed. She turned back to Thorin. “It won’t be a problem, Thorin.” Thorin smiled at her.

“Clearly not. I had forgotten how much you are your mother’s daughter.”

Her eyes softened. And Kili and Fili looked between the two with a frown.

Thorin turned his attention to the boys. “I need to speak with Bella. You boys mind the shop,” his voice was stern and left no room for discussion.

“Yes, Uncle,” Fili said, and Kili nodded his agreement.

Thorin gestured for Bella to precede him to the back room. Once there, he offered her a seat and some tea.

“No, thank you. But, please you go ahead.” Instead of doing so, Thorin took the other seat. Bella’s head cocked to the side like a curious bird. “Gandalf said that you wanted to talk me?”

Thorin rocked back in his seat. “Did he say why?” That bastard, he had wanted this, but expected Thorin to do the dirty work for him.

She blinked at him. “No. Is everything all right?”

He hastened to reassure her. “Yes, everything is fine.” He debated on to whether to ask her about the potential tour, or leave all that in Gandalf’s manipulative hands. “I really just wanted to see how you are doing. Letters don’t really convey as much as we might like.” He paused. “And how are you doing?”

“Quite well. I have graduated Parson’s and had a few small jobs.”

“Already? Time goes so quickly. You and the boys have all grown up so fast.”

She looked him in the eyes. “Well, to be fair, girls do mature faster than boys. And you watched them grow up, seeing me after, what, seven years? Must have been a bit of a surprise.”

Thorin hesitated before answering. “I hadn’t realized that it had been so long.” He felt like he had sidestepped some kind of trap. Bella’s smile seemed to confirm that feeling.

“Well, time has been good to you, Thorin.” He felt the heat rise on his neck, again.

They made small talk for about 20 minutes, and then Bella excused herself. Thorin wondered how long it would take Gandalf to figure out that Thorin had left it to him. 

Gandalf called him later that afternoon to apologize for not being there and see how everything had gone. Thorin was deliberately vague, as Gandalf had been. It took a surprisingly long time before Gandalf came right out and asked whether Bella was joining them.

“You’re the one who asked her Gandalf, you tell me.” Thorin said, keeping his voice level by sheer voice of will.

Gandalf sputtered for a few minutes and then said a hurried goodbye and hung up. Thorin didn’t even try to fight the smirk that rose.

Gandalf called back two days later to say that Bella would be joining them and that their first official meeting would be the following Wednesday, at Thorin’s house.

That Wednesday, Ori waited to let Bella into Thorin’s place, while the other prepared themselves for the fittings that would no doubt commence upon Bella’s arrival.

They heard Bella before they saw her. “I don’t know Gandalf, it’s not really what I…,” her voice trailed off as she entered the room, the cell phone going slack in her hand. The men of “Erebor” were standing around in various stages of dishabille. Her gaze took in Fili and Kili stripped down to their boxers, slender but sturdy looking, and certainly no hardship to look at. The boys preened, knowing they had met with her approval. There was Dwalin in a tank top, all bulky muscles, and Nori and Bofur looking surprisingly fit and wiry without shirts. Then her gaze landed on Thorin, standing barefoot, wearing a pair of faded blue jeans and no shirt. “Goodness. Never mind, Gandalf, I’ll soldier on.” And she disconnected the call even as her eyes returned to Thorin and traced over the broad shoulders, dark hair curling across his well-defined pectorals, and leading to the trail edging down his belly towards…she shook her head to clear it. “All right lads, ready to be measured for costumes?” She asked brightly.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Once the fittings had been seen to and some rehearsal time put in, Thorin, Balin and Gandalf sat down with the proposed schedule and a map. There were a few venues that Thorin had no interest in revisiting, and one that he wanted added, but other than those small changes Thorin was happy with the schedule. It was full enough to be worth the effort, but not so full as to burn them out. One thing that Thorin was definite about: no tour would start until Kili finished college in 6 weeks. Gandalf agreed easily enough. "But, of course."

Once the scheduled was agreed upon, it was merely a matter of deciding who would do what and how they would travel. Gloin and his wife Marietta had acquired an RV and would join them on the road once school was out with their son Gimli. He would be on summer break a few weeks after Kili graduated. Gandalf had his own bus, and "Erebor" still owned two busses from when they had toured before. They weren't sure what Bella would want to do, as Belladonna had usually ridden with Bungo in a beat up old conversion van, with the costumes.

As it turned out, Bella still had the van. Bofur laughed himself silly when he saw it. "I can't believe ya' still have Myrtle, lass. Does she even run?"

"More or less," Bella answered, with a smile.

"Well, you don't want to be stuck by the side of the road in between towns."

Bella looked thoughtfully at the van. "I rather feel like she should go, Bofur, for as long as she can."

Bofur blinked down at her. "Aye, lass, I see yer point. I'll make sure one of the roadies is mechanically inclined."

She smiled thankfully at him. "That would be reassuring, thanks for that."

He bowed to her and kissed her hand extravagantly. She laughed at him, and caught Thorin, Dwalin, Balin and Bifur all glaring at the back of Bofur's head.

"Best watch yourself, my lad." And she jerked her head in the direction of the glaring contingent. Bofur turned and his eyes widened.

"Gods, I about wet meself." He theatrically took four exaggerated steps away from Bella. "Alas, darlin' our love was doomed from the very beginning."

She quirked a cool eyebrow at him. He put his hand over his heart as if in pain. She couldn't help but laugh at his antics.

Little did Bella know, but Stern Words were had with Bofur about her. She was under their protection, and not one of his tarts. She was to be treated with respect at all times. Dwalin's voice slid into a growl as he said this last.

Thorin had a similar conversation with Fili and Kili. If she flirted with one of them, that was her choice, but under no circumstances were they to make her uncomfortable, or There Would Be Trouble the likes of which the boys had not seen in their young lives.

The four older men compared notes and decided that none of the others would be a problem.

The first thing on Gandalf's tour was a charity concert. Thorin wasn't sure how Gandalf had managed to get them on the bill with so little notice.

Thorin very nearly broke Orcrist, his beloved guitar, over Gandalf's head when he realized that Gandalf had arranged it months before Thorin had agreed to anything.

Bella's hand on his forearm caused him to scowl at her, but she grinned impishly up at him. "It's not worth it, Thorin. And would do you no good anyway. Man's probably a hundred years old, and barmy to boot, you'd be wasting your time, and damage that fine guitar of yours. His head's made of pure granite, I've no doubt."

He couldn't help the rueful grin. "You're right, of course, but…." He trailed off, knowing that she understood perfectly.

"I know, Thorin, I do. But, I also know that you'll not convince him that he has no right to orchestrate all of our lives according to his whims. Just be glad that it worked out, and hope that luck holds, yeah?"

"Yeah. Cheers, Bella."

She only smiled warmly in reply.

Three weeks later they were at the concert, waiting for their turn. They watched the emaciated man take the stage. His thin hair was straggly and his disproportionately large blue eyes protruded. Death Metal, while often interesting to watch, left Thorin unmoved musically. Still, something about the man, Sméagol, held his attention.

He knew that he wasn't the only one whose mouth dropped open in shock when Sméagol bit the head off of a wiggling fish that he pulled from a cooler onstage. Nor was he the only one fighting a gag reflex as Sméagol swallowed the fish head, and devoured the rest of the fish. His eyes met Bella's horrified ones, and he tried to give her a reassuring smile.

Whatever she read on his face did not appear to reassure her. Her face scrunched up in the most adorable way, and Thorin felt a more sincere grin cross his face. Her expression melted into a warm smile. Thorin looked around at the others, and saw a worrying amount of fascination on his nephews' faces. He nodded at Dwalin, who took one look at the boys and smacked them each in the back of the head while saying "no," in a firm, no nonsense voice.

The next band to perform was Smaug and the Goblins. They were an alternative rock group, and their music involved at lot of heavy bass. Smaug was a surprisingly attractive man, about 6'1", with cold, pale eyes and cheekbones that could cut glass. His voice was deep, almost as deep as Thorin's, although it lacked the warmth of Thorin's and had a smooth, almost sibilant quality. Where Thorin's voice was like sinfully dark chocolate, if a little rough, Smaug's put Bella in mind of a snake that hypnotizes its prey before devouring it.

Bella was a little surprised at herself for the comparison, but couldn't shake it. Smaug made her nervous, in a way that she usually wasn't around men.

One thing was clear during Smaug's performance: the girls loved him. Whether it was the voice, his striking good looks, or the aura of danger he projected, they loved him.

When "Erebor" was announced, they took the stage one by one. Ori took over the drums, Bifur moved to the keyboards, Nori on saxophone, Bofur with a flute, Dwalin with a guitar, Kili with a fiddle, and Fili with a doublenecked guitar. Then Thorin walked out, and the crowd went absolutely mad.

Gloin was in charge of security, which he took very seriously, while Dori and Bombur made sure that the lads had eaten. Oin was on hand for any medical issues that might crop up. Balin was backstage with Bella, watching with a tear in his eye.

Thorin had to admit to a small thrill that there were more than a couple pairs of knickers on the stage when they had finished. It was good to know that he still had it, even if he didn't plan on doing anything about it.

They were called out for three encores, and the audience would have kept them longer, except the next band needed to set up. Backstage, the lads were hyped up, terribly excited by the reception of their fans. Fili, Kili and Ori were especially excited, this being new to them.

"I'd forgotten that." Bofur said. "What a bloody rush." The others could only agree.

The hurdle of the first performance safely cleared, they packed up to start the tour. They met with similar receptions on the road. The first few shows were nearly full to capacity, but it wasn't until the fourth show that they sold out a venue.

Their schedule was set so that they had no more than two shows in a week, a much more relaxing schedule than they'd had the first time around.

They'd been on the road for a little over a month, when Bella apparently went mad. She went from a calm, even placid woman who could put one of the lads in his place with a perfectly arched eyebrow, to a harridan, snapping at anyone who irritated her. And apparently, almost all of the lads irritated her. Only Balin and Thorin never saw the sharp side of her tongue.

And the two men feared that it was only a matter of time.

The final straw for the lads was when Kili tore the seam on his trousers. When Bella was on her knees before him, repairing it, Kili had been foolish enough to make a lewd comment about it. Bella had stabbed her needle into the sensitive flesh of his upper thigh, frighteningly near his bollocks.

Kili made a high pitched squeal and darted away from her to hide behind his big brother. Bella stormed off.

To a man, the lads felt Kili deserved it, but still, it was symptomatic of Bella's mood for the last two days. And frankly, they were all a little scared of her.

As her form cleared the room, Dori turned to Thorin. "You've got to do something, Thorin. This cannot go on."

"I've got to …? Why do I have to do something?" Thorin demanded. He'd been spared her wrath, and they wanted him to beard the lioness in her den?? Were they mad?

"Because, laddie, you're our leader." Balin said in that reasonable tone that Thorin hated.

Thorin turned to stare after Bella, as a dark suspicion formed in his mind. Internally he groaned.

After the show, Thorin left the hotel they were overnighting in, and found a pharmacy. Forty-five minutes later, he knocked on Bella's door.

She threw it open, "what?" She demanded. She toned it down a bit when she saw who it was. "What can I do for you, Thorin?" She asked in a more normal voice.

Thorin swallowed hard and thrust the CVS bag in his hand at her. "I know it's terribly presumptuous, not to mention stereotyping, but… here." And he put the bag in her hand.

She opened it, a glower already forming on her pretty face. Then she looked at the clearly anxious Thorin Durin standing in her door. "You got these for me believing that I've been out of sorts because I'm pre-menstrual?"

Thorin felt the heat rise on the back of his neck. "My sister… well, I thought it looked familiar, that's all. I apologize if…." He trailed off as she looked in the bag again. Chemical heating wraps, designed for cramps, Ibuprofen and an assortment, a rather large assortment, of chocolate.

Bella deflated. "God, I have been such a bitch. Poor Kili." She was embarrassed.

"Bella, Kili deserved that."

"But the rest of you didn't. I am so sorry."

Her cheeks were stained pink, and Thorin floundered. "Don't, Bella, there's no need. We should have been more…or maybe less… I don't know actually, what we should have been." Thorin stopped, unaccountably lost.

Bella laughed, lightly. "I am sorry, I'll be much kinder tomorrow, Thorin." She looked up at him from under her lashes. "Thank you," and she gently tugged on his hair, until he leaned down enough for her to press a kiss to the skin of his cheek, above his beard. "Really, Thorin, thank you. This was awfully thoughtful."

"You are most welcome, Bella. And don't be afraid to take some time for yourself, if you need it. Belladonna always said it was a testosterone filled nightmare to travel with us. She always smiled when she said it, though." As Thorin smiled as well, in memory.

"Mum knew what she was talking about." Bella agreed, also with a smile.

"Goodnight, Bella. I hope you sleep well."

"Goodnight, Thorin." And she gently closed the door. She sat her haul on the small table, and a thought occurred to her. Thorin Durin had gone to a pharmacy for chocolate for her. She had a vision of his 6'3" self wandering the aisles, looking for what he thought he needed to get for her. She wasn't sure whether to laugh or be incredibly touched by his thoughtfulness. She decided on both reactions. As she dozed off, she wondered what the cashiers had made of it.

The next day, Bella was extra sweet to all of the lads. It didn't have quite the effect that she was going for. It actually seemed to make them more frightened of her. Although, they felt a bit of awe for Thorin to have caused this change. Kili looked at his uncle in near-worship when Bella apologized for overreacting the day before.

After that Bella made certain to have a supply of chocolate on hand. Whenever they went somewhere that Thorin remembered had some kind of international market, he would take Bella and they would stock up on British sweets, and biscuits. He knew that Dori and Bombur were doing the same for the whole band. Not only did he have his own sweet tooth to feed, but Thorin would admit, if only to himself, that he enjoyed these outings with Bella. She was clever and had a dry sense of humor.

Ori, who maintained "Erebor's" website, and monitored the buzz surrounding them had only favorable reports. "One Tweet," he began, "asks how it's possible that so many of the lads of 'Erebor' have not aged, or if they have, they've improved."

"Ooh," Bofur said with a smirk, "I'll answer that one, lad."

"Aye, like fine wine." Nori agreed.

Bella, watching quietly from a corner as she replaced some buttons that had been lost, finally spoke. "If you really want to raise a buzz, a few of you shouldn't wear shirts next show."

They all turned to look at her calm face. "And which 'few' would that be, darln'?" Bofur asked, still smirking.

She didn't even hesitate, "You, Nori, Fili, Kili, Dwalin and Thorin. That, I think, would go over well."

Kili looked at her hopefully. "Do you really think so Bella?"

"I really do."

The next show they followed her suggestion and she was proven quite right. When they came on stage sans shirts, the women went absolutely wild. There were so many knickers on the stage that one could barely move without hitting a pair. Dwalin and Thorin exchanged surprised looks, but the others were rather smug. They sold out their next venue and decided that going shirtless would probably be the norm going forward. Ori reported that Twitter, Facebook and other social media sites had exploded. And apparently, they were "trending", whatever that meant.

And if Ori didn't bother to mention cashiers at CVS commenting on what a thoughtful boyfriend Thorin Durin must be to make a chocolate run for his lady, well… Ori was nobody's fool.


	4. Chapter 3

"Erebor" had been on the road for almost two months. They had gone down the state of California, across Arizona, where they had done exceptionally well. Their next stops were in New Mexico. Bella's van, Myrtle, was not fond of the desert, but was still holding it together, with lots of TLC from Bella and Ace, the "mechanically inclined" roadie that Bofur had found.

Gandalf and his F/X team followed in their own vehicle. Although, frequently Gandalf was not at the show, his crew did a great job and the F/X were amazing, especially the dragon "whizbang" as Gandalf called it.

In the early days of the tour, Thorin had taken Kili, Fili and Ori aside to impress upon them the importance of being careful of their sexual partners, to always, ALWAYS use protection and to never make promises that they couldn't keep. It was the same speech that he had given his nephews before they went to university, but Ori hadn't heard it yet, and blushed through the whole speech. Fili and Kili smirked through the whole thing. It wasn't until they watched how many women tried to give their uncle phone numbers, throw knickers right at him and often flash him their breasts that they realized that he could be getting laid every night. They blanched at the idea of Thorin as a sex symbol. Fili swore that Kili slept that night sucking his thumb, curled up in the fetal position.

New Mexico was an eye opener. Following Bella's suggestion, half the lads went shirtless. This continued to make them very popular with their female fans. Bofur Nori, Fili and Kili were pretty smug about the additional attention that they garnered, not hesitating to bring a hot fan back to their room, although mindful of Thorin's strictures. Being more mature, and in Dwalin's case off the market, Dwalin and Thorin never did. Poor Dwalin, he worked so hard to keep his relationship with Dis a secret.

Still in New Mexico, getting ready to head to Texas, they were in a pub, something they didn't indulge in often. But they had the next three days off and could afford it. Fili, Kili, Bofur and Nori had already collected several phone numbers. Thorin had strategically placed himself in the farthest part of the circular booth, with Dwalin on one side of him and Bella on the other, so he felt fairly safe.

Bella, however, kept having drinks show up at the table for her, from other men in the bar. The fact that Thorin and Dwalin both glowered at any man who dared approach her didn't seem to stop them.

When she got up to use the loo, it was all Thorin could do to stay put. As it was, he waited anxiously for her to return safely. While she was gone, a woman approached Dwalin, and started to flirt with him, talking about his muscles and his mustache.

Dwalin was nice to her, but not encouraging. When she came right out and asked about sex, Dwalin shot a hesitant glance at Thorin, and answered her, "I dona' think my lady would approve, lass, but I thank ya."

When the girl finally left, Dwalin took a drink from his beer. He almost spit it out when Thorin spoke.

"And don't you think it's about time you made an honest woman of my baby sister, Dwalin Fundin?" At Dwalin's stunned look. "It's been, what six years now?"

"Y-ya' knew?"

Thorin gave him a look, like he thought Dwalin was an idiot. "Of course I knew. Did you think I wouldn't notice how she was happy again, much more like herself? She's my sister." Which said it all, really. For Thorin, his family was always the most important thing. He was on this stupid tour more for his nephews than any reason of his own.

"Which is why I dinna… I know how much ya' care about her. And I dinna think ya'd want her and me…."

"I only ever wanted her to be happy, you pillock. So, stop being so stupid." A thought occurred to him. "Shouldn't Bella be back by now?"

They both scanned the bar for her, and found her, back to the wall, a handsome man talking to her. Thorin couldn't deny the clench in his gut at the sight. She didn't look like she needed help. In fact, she seemed to be enjoying talking to the guy, so Thorin willed his attention back to his own glass.

Several minutes later, she returned. "All right there, Bella?" Thorin asked. He had not expected her to return.

"Yes, why?" She cocked her head to the side.

He blinked at her, opened his mouth, and stopped. While he was more than willing to go punch the guy until he repented whatever insult he'd offered her, he wasn't sure how to convey that to her without sounding like an idiot.

"Oh, Bill?" She finally asked with a vague gesture. "Not up to my standards."

Thorin, completely at a loss, dropped the subject.

Texas, as it turned out, was an interesting experience for most of them. First, Myrtle, Bella's much beloved van, needed more work than could be done on the road. The men at the service station, while calling her "little lady", seemed unwilling to tell her what the exact problem was, nor give her an estimate on the work. It was one of the large chain shops, and Thorin finally had enough of their patronizing.

He stormed away from the bus, and strode to Bella's side. He rested one hand on her shoulder, and glared at the mechanics. "Is there a problem, here?" He asked, his voice cold and dangerously low.

The mechanics exchanged a long look and then looked back at Thorin, who frankly towered over them and looked ready to do mayhem. "No, sir, just explainin' to the pretty little lady what's wrong with her van."

"Which is?" Thorin asked through clenched teeth.

As the men stutteringly launched into their explanation, Thorin's expression grew darker and more dangerous. He turned to Bella and saw that she was at least as pissed off as he was, but hiding it slightly better. The mechanics rambling explanation dwindled off and Bella spoke. "We'll go elsewhere, thank you. Also, our blogger will be mentioning your attempt to patronize a customer and failure to disclose the issue or give an estimate. Good day, er… gentlemen." And she turned on her heel and marched back to the van.

Thorin smirked at the mechanics and followed after her. They made it to another mechanic, who said, in plain language that it was the carburetor and gave an estimate. The part would take a couple of days, so they stayed in the nice little town. And Ori posted a scathing blog about the first service station.

That night they were sitting in the lounge of a hotel in Mirkwood, Texas. They'd been on the road for almost three months, and even the newer members were pretty comfortable now. Fili and Kili had tried to subtly flirt with Bella, but she shot them down so spectacularly, that they'd pretty much given it up.

It really wasn't worth Uncle Thorin's heavy frowns, even if she had flirted back.

Which she didn't.

Even Bofur, who seemed to be able to pick up women just by smiling at them, didn't get anywhere with her. And then, he'd mysteriously gotten a black eye, and started giving her space.

And really, after seeing how Bella had cut the head off of that snake while they'd been in Arizona, none of the lads were sure they want to risk it anyway. There had been a glint in her eyes as she at taken the switchblade from her bag, and brought it down on the snake slithering across their table that had made all of the men want to make certain they still had their…equipment. Disconcerting, to say the least.

So imagine how surprised they all were when Bella gave a shockingly girly shriek, which sounded vaguely like "spider!" and crawled over the laps of Dwalin and Thorin, to hide behind Thorin. She had her hands on the stunned man's shoulders, and her head burrowed into his shoulder blades. "Kill the bloody thing!" She demanded in a quivering voice.

Thorin eased his way off of the sofa towards the admittedly rather large spider on the floor, Bella still clinging to him, and brought his boot down hard on the thing. He felt Bella sag against him. "Hate bloody spiders." She muttered, and then pulled away from Thorin, who turned to look at her. "They have far too many legs and eyes." She shuddered and then looked up at Thorin with a smile. "Thank you. You're my hero." She gave another shudder, and then suddenly became aware that everyone was staring at her. Her face went pink in embarrassment.

"Rats," Thorin said suddenly.

Bella cocked her head to the side. Dori, realizing what Thorin was doing spoke, next. "Snakes."

"I don't like spiders, either, Bella," Ori admitted.

The others offered up their own fears, Kili, rather humorously stating that he was only afraid of his mother.

"That's just good sense," Thorin said with a grin.

Bella looked at them, and was filled with warmth and affection for them. "Thank you," she said quietly.

It wasn't until later, in his room, that the weirdness occurred to Thorin. She had crawled past Dwalin, the biggest member of their group to himself, and she had followed him back towards the spider. He fell asleep pondering those two facts.

The spent the next day wandering the small town. Bella found a thrift store with some really amazing vintage clothes. She spent more than she should have, but couldn't regret it. She was struggling to hold onto all of the bags when Bifur happened upon her. He insisted on carrying the bags for her. "Thank you, Bifur. You're most kind."

"Not a problem, lass." Which was almost more than she'd heard him say before. She knew that he'd been injured in battle, and sometimes had trouble expressing himself. Her mum had always said he was a darling man, though, so Bella was not put off by the long silence that followed.

When they got back to the hotel, he followed her to her room, and carried the bags in for her. She walked him to the door, and standing in the open doorway, she leaned up and kissed his cheek. "Thanks, again Bifur." He only blushed and nodded in response.

Fili and Kili, who witnessed this from their own doorway, exchanged a confused look as Bifur passed them.

Myrtle was finally up and running again the next day, so they got back on the road. The found Louisiana hot and sticky. Their only shows were in New Orleans, for which Bella professed her undying love once she discovered a pastry shop. She and Thorin would get up early and have rich coffee and try different pastries.

They were sitting at an outdoor café on the third morning and Thorin watched Bella lick powdered sugar off her upper lip, and knew that it was time to put a bit of distance between himself and her innocent temptation. He was old enough to be her fath…er, old enough to be her uncle and she surely thought of him as such. And here he was perving over her. It wasn't that he was randy, although it had been awhile, but he really liked her; she was lovely, and clever. But, she wasn't for him. She deserved someone younger and far less jaded.

With that thought firmly in mind, Thorin started to be less available for outings where it was just the two of them. He tried to be subtle about it, but saw the puzzled and slightly hurt looks she sent his way sometimes. Since there was no way that he could explain it to her, he pretended not to notice.

Sadly, Bofur didn't have any problem spending one-on-one time with Bella, nor did Fili or Kili. All Thorin could do was grit his teeth when they would come back to whatever hotel they were staying at. He didn't think that any of the lads had stepped over the line, but he shocked himself with how much it bothered him to see her so easily filling the role he had played with others.

They had no shows in Mississippi, but Alabama and Florida seemed to be pleased with them, as evidenced by sold out shows in both states.

They were hanging around, before a show in Florida. Most of the lads were roughhousing, while Bella worked on her laptop. Thorin sat at the table next to her writing something on paper.

Kili wandered over towards them. "Whatcha' writing, Uncle? A new song?'

Thorin shook his head. "A letter to Dis."

"A.. a letter. On paper?" Kili seemed completely flummoxed by this concept.

"Thorin writes lovely letters, Kili." Bella offered with a soft smile at Thorin.

"And you know this how?" Kili demanded, not liking it at all. He thought that he had been gaining ground with Bella since Thorin had inexplicably stopped spending time with her.

"Your uncle wrote to me while I was in school." Kili gave her an encouraging look. "He wrote about what was going on, what you boys were up to, as well as the others. They were lovely, and made feel like I wasn't so far away, after all."

All eyes were on Thorin now, some puzzled, some considering.

"And did you write back, lass?" Balin asked with a neutral expression.

"Of course. I told him some of our adventures at school. He gives excellent advice as well." She smiled at Thorin.

"It surprising how much combat and an all-girl boarding school have in common." Thorin offered, and forgetting every good intention that he'd had, grinned back at her. He had missed her and the time they spent together.

"Well, I can't speak for all of them, but St. Trinian's certainly shares many traits with a war-zone." Her eyes were warm and smiling.

Fili and Kili scowled, realizing that with one smile, their uncle had completely pushed them back out of the picture. Balin smiled benignly.

"All right, lads, show time." Dwalin said.

Bella watched Thorin as he pulled his shirt off before heading on stage.


End file.
